Saturday, July 5, 2014

I can’t stand people being upset at me or because of me ;c

Sunday, March 23, 2014

i feel mad or conflicted with myself sometimes because stuff that makes me comfortable with who i am is only because I take influence off the the actions, beliefs, and sayings that other people express.

it’s come to a point that some people seem to assume that i’m always stealing from others, that it is their things and I started it making my thing. okay, that’s paraphrased… but…

i dont mean to. i’ll stop. or try to.

i don’t know what to do that is defined as me without being defined as others.

Saturday, March 1, 2014


have u ever been in a mood to destroy your relationship with everyone you know

Sunday, February 23, 2014

I need to move out now.

Sunday, February 23, 2014
  • Dad: Do you have homework due tomorrow.
  • Me: No. I only have a film production class tomorrow.
  • Me: Can go to [so and so]?
  • Dad: Do you need to go? Is it required that you go?
  • Me: Um... no?
  • Dad: Stay home. Do homework.
Sunday, February 23, 2014

Living in this household screws up my whole working schedule and workflow.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Slowly replacing the negative thoughts with colors and beautiful things.
Friday, February 21, 2014

I think I drive away a lot of people I want to be close with and it drive me nuts. It’s like I want to be close to them, but push them away, or I try to be close to them and it feels like no distance has closed in and they are pushing me away.

Friday, February 21, 2014

I’m afraid of telling people I’m down now when people ask me if I’m okay now, especially those who knew my situation.

All I’ve been feeling a lot lately is social fear, solitude and occasional happiness.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

My worst fear at the moment is bothering or talking to someone so much that they feel like I want to talk to them TOO much. Talkative or attention needy or … what’s the word… Iunno. Clingy?

But I hate being alone. Just walking back to my car reminded me of that.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Call me crazy, but I tried a new format that was more artistic when it came to my resume. This impulse to change my format was led on by realizing how different film resumes looked in comparison to regular formatted resumes. Let’s just say one of the peers I showed my resume to went nuts and tried dramatically changing my format back to my original. He’s expecting me to give him two different (specific) formatted resumes for him tomorrow to look over and send to his friend.

Jesus christ. I just wanted a little critique, but this is too much. I mind as well just use my old format but apparently any thing that strays from wordy, black and white, traditional style resume is too much for him.

I just wanted to stand out more.

Now I’m just lost again ;/

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

My goal this week is to eat more healthy. Eating more healthy meaning actually eating… No more starving myself. My exercise goals are pretty on point so far though.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014


This day was starting to feel like a little more sunshine is coming back as I’m not feeling so depressed anymore. Solitude has become a friend, despite feeling like I need a friend from time to time. But sometimes it’s okay for me to just chill out on my own. I tried my best to avoid people, but people kept running into me at school from VSA. It was because of that that I started craving company again. I guess seeing people makes me realize that I like having company around because they sometimes often make me happy with their presence. I just get nervous around company or being lonely following that because I’m not sure who to “bother” to keep me company, following that. I don’t know. It’s a more complex problem than that. But I am a lot more glad that I am feeling a lot better, period, despite these little (?) problems.

Timmy and I had to cancel our plans to meet up at school and talk. He’s actually one of the people I tried reaching out to recently since I haven’t reached out to anyone lately. I might have been more sad about it, had my big Kyle not asked me to hang out Monday or Tuesday. So at least I had some trust that I can try to reach out to Kyle about my problems. At first when he asked to hang out, was scared whether I should because I was trying pretty hard to avoid people, especially since I didn’t want to spill my emotions and problems on anyone, and try to figure things out on my own. But he asked to hang out and any opportunity to hang out with my big is always one that I look forward too. Also, he seemed to be acting strange lately, in a sense that he wasn’t acting as…um…iunno. I’m usually iffy about how he reacts towards stuff I do or say, but he reactions were a little different. I thought something was up, but I found out on Monday night what that was (not going to say).

When we talked later that night though at the USU (didn’t want to go out to buy food), I realized he had read my “-thoughtfulnotes” blog. At first for a second, I got a little upset and felt bad for anything bad I might have said about him. But he stopped me before anything and said not to apologize for anything. Plus, I’ve been trying a lot harder to restrain myself from getting too emotional outside my thoughts (aka crying). I was sure he had some important stuff to say too, so there was no use in getting too emotional about that point. He had a lot of important and insightful points he mentioned. It was from there that we cleared up a lot of things, regarding personal issues, school, ACE, etc. We also just had a pretty good time just talking to each other about other stuff as we drifted off-topic.

One thing that also popped up was the topic of him lecturing me (and others) and the competitive vibe when it came to video stuff in VSA.

It’s true. I tend to get lectured a lot by my big more than the other littles. And it’s true that he tends to get on people’s cases about several things. But it’s also true that I tend to approach other VSA and ACE people about my getting lectured a lot too. And it’s not like I always get upset about it. I always know that he means well and he’s always looking out for me. My problem was that I just wished for more affection or understanding (if that’s the right word, because we always try to understand each other’s situation when we talk…but I think I mean more like…connection? er…relatability?). With some details left out (for this note), we decided and agreed on meeting each other half-way on things, which is good for me. Not everyone can be approached the same way, socially (i.e. hugs and hangouts).

We both also come to realize that we can’t be competitive about things concerning stuff like LB VSA VCN IT/Media, SDSU VSA film festival and the LB VSA Vietnamese Music Awards. We need to learn to cooperate w each other as a team. Plus, as big and little we shouldn’t be aggressive towards each other when we’re in the same family, same club, same team. Not that we were aggressive, but you can get that competitive vibe from the board meetings and such. Plus, I want to work on projects like that with my big. I want us to work together. I guess I just started feeling threatened when miscommunication happened and my twittle Vicki told me Kyle was going to do all of the video stuff by himself for the most part (on top of the situation with Phuong). But I’m happy we are trying to talk it out.

Overall, despite getting in trouble with my parents yesterday night for staying out later than I told them I would be (I forgot to let them know I would be), I regret nothing. I’m quite happy with how the day ended. I’m happy that Kyle was able to open up to me more about certain things, concerning him and myself. I’m glad that I had someone to talk things out with in the first place.

I know that I told myself I would be avoiding VSA and people for a week, but I think by now, I’m okay to just get back into my game and I might not be skipping that general meeting this week after all.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014



im surprised he’s being a little more understanding today

this makes me nervous

he’s going through his own shit as well. i can understand that.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

solitude is becoming more comfortable for me.

being alone is okay.

yet still not satisfactory.

i always want to hang with someone or talk with someone still…

but no one to truly go to.

i hate bothering people.

i need to be more assertive.

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